Friday, May 4, 2012

In Which I Use the Word "Suck" A Lot

There are some things about life that just plain suck:  cancer, traffic in the DC metro area, child abuse, war, election season campaign ads, lack of healthy sanitation in the developing world, burning your tongue on hot food, break ups, people who picket military funerals with "God hates fags" signs, craving Chick-fil-a on Sunday.  These are of unequal weights, sure, but I think we can all agree that they pretty much suck.  Todd and I have been walking through our own sucky experience recently:  three miscarriages in 14 months.  For those of you who can't imagine, let me assure you:  it sucks.

But here's the thing.  For reasons as yet unknown, miscarriage is part of our story.  It doesn't define us, but it is shaping us.   We hope that God is using these miscarriages (and no more!!) to shape us into more compassionate, more whole individuals and ultimately parents, but regardless, this is our story and it's time to own it.

Miscarriage is an awkward topic to bring up with friends at happy hour (ask my friends, it's awkward).  The silence surrounding this issue is strange to me given how common an experience miscarriage actually is.  According to the Cleveland Clinic, one out of every five recognized pregnancies ends in miscarriage.  Twenty percent!  Which means there is a substantial population of women (and their partners) walking around with this crushing pain - and mostly not talking about it. 

I'm no writer, and Todd is the phenomenally gifted public speaker in our family, but I feel compelled to tell this story.  God is doing something here.  And I'd like to be a faithful witness to His work in our lives.  Most people reading this are probably already aware of what's been going on, because I'm not a particularly private person (that's a polite way of saying I lack boundaries) and I'm not all that inhibited about taboo subjects (my master's thesis contained the word "diarrhea" - a lot). But in case you aren't, here's how it's happened:

March 2011:  First miscarriage at 11 weeks
October 2011:  Second miscarriage at 6.5 weeks
May 2012:  Third miscarriage at 9 weeks

So far, we have no medical answers for why this keeps happening.  The doctor's response this week: "sometimes lightning strikes three times" (to which I call b.s.  Does that really happen?  Meteorology nerds weigh in).  We have no answers, but we do have some truths - many that we are more sure of than we were a year ago.  I hope to use this space to wrestle with those truths, discover more, share what we're learning, and grieve well.  It seems clear to me that we learn our best and truest lessons in pain - and I really don't want to miss any.


  1. Thank you for sharing your heart and pain for God's gain. I find hope in the fact that God's still writing your story,that He is near and collects every tear.

  2. Love you, and am glad to be able to accompany you through your writing.

  3. Thank you for sharing more for us. I have also been through miscarriage. One at 9 weeks, one at 13 weeks. The first one was before our first daughter, the second was before our third daughter. The only comfort I have is the kids we ended up with are perfect for us and God knows what he is doing. Also I look forward to meeting my other children in heaven one day. I am sorry you are going through this.

  4. Love you so much Kimberly and Toddly!!

  5. Todd and Kim - So sorry for the pain that you have felt and are feeling. But I am thankful for the blessings and compassion that you are offering by your willingness to reach out to others. For so many years, we have allowed miscarriages to be a taboo subject and it has hurt not healed. I suffered a miscarriage 19 years ago at 11 weeks of pregnancy and, although I am healed, there will always be a hurt. Blessings to you!

  6. Kim,
    You are so brave to share your courageous journey...and I wanted you to know that it will have such a resounding ripple affect on others. I work at a pregnancy support center in Cedar Rapids. We encounter many women grieving the loss of their baby. I am so thankful for your words, insight and openness and have already shared your story with others here. Thank you for opening your heart to others. I look forward to traveling with you, covering you and Todd in prayer and letting others know of your cries of faith! Love you...Trisha (Wilson) Sellers